New Year, Same Energy
My work-life balance isn't working for me anymore and mentally I'm still recovering from 2023...
In all honesty, I’m a sucker for the New Year. Roll on the clean slate, new stationary and obligatory goal setting time. You want me to rest for several working days, before I come back to tackle my to do list? Sign. Me. Up.
Yet, as I write this on January 8th that re-invigorated, ready to go, well-rested feeling still hasn’t quite hit me. Towards the end of last year (read early November), I hit burn out and I knew (as all serial work-to-burnout souls do) that I needed to take a proper break over Christmas in order to be hit any of the goals I wanted to this year.
But, at that time, I was enjoying my work and if I don’t keep my foot on the gas, then the money doesn’t come in, so I kept typing away. Pitched out for more work and worked longer hours.
All in all, I think I managed about two days of nothingness over the holidays, which, as it turns out does not offset months of stress and sleepless nights… who knew?
Safe to say when I rocked up at my desk (cough, walked into the spare room) last week, a sad truth dawned on me, nothing had changed. I wasn’t this new person that I’d imagined I would be - full of determination, energy and ready for action again.
Things are still being ticked off my to do list, but it’s like dragging my overtired soul through treacle. Tempting myself with the lure of another coffee, a Taylor Swift playlist or a new podcast episode at lunch.
So, I did what a self-employed, serial work from home-r does and had a conversation with myself about it.
Why don’t I want to get on with that project? Why does writing still feel like dragging myself through sludge? Why aren’t the words coming? Why do I keep putting my writing off for another time?
The truth: what I’m doing isn’t working for me anymore. I’ve known for a while that this level of overworking isn’t sustainable and it’s sadly sucked the life out of my one true creative love in this world, writing.
I think it’s also tied into the struggle of building your own ladder. Self-employed life is just one long process of trial and error. Does this balance of income streams work? Is it fulfilling? Does it help me afford the life I want? Is it challenging enough? If so, fab, keep going. If not, scratch that, start again.
So when I finally found a combination that felt good, made me good money and on-paper worked, I rolled with it. If it ain’t broke right?
However, I started to realise that while on-paper and financially this current blend of shifts at magazines and commissions worked (to an extent and on a limited level), something had been missing creatively and emotionally (and well, we’d always love for finances to improve too). I forgot to prioritise the rest of my life or why I went freelance, which was to finish my book, have more flexibility and more free time.
The resistance was coming in for me as I’m not finishing those big creative projects that I am passionate about for fear of failure, judgement or just simply being too tired to type another word at the end of a long day.
Freelancing has become another kind of hamster wheel for me to make myself feel guilty about not running on enough. I start to feel guilty when I’m not at my desk by 9 or feel bad to take an afternoon off even though I’m my own boss?!
2023 was a challenging year mentally with lots of turbulence in my personal life for a few months of the year, which I spent the next few months recovering from.
I’m so incredibly grateful I was able to work during that time as it gave me a focus and drive to keep going, but this year I’m stepping off that little wheel that I furiously, mindlessly kept going on to finally have a look around to see where I’m actually going.
If you’re joining me at this time of change and intention, welcome. Step off the wheel with me, let’s have a little look around and take stock of what is and isn’t working right now.
I’m well aware that changing up your work is daunting, which is probably why I’ve put it off for so long. It could mean more chaos, big failures or more burnout. But it could also mean new opportunities, more fulfilment and more time and money for fun & rest.
But I know that after being in my safe little cocoon in 2023 and putting one foot strategically in front of the other that it’s time to take a few more big swings, take another leap of faith (three years after my initial one into freelancing) and chase those big dreams, before another New Year comes rolling by. I could sink or swim, but maybe you’re in the same boat? Either way, I’m excited to see where it leads…